Rising Up From The Ashes

Okay, so I was correct in my last blog that I was going to end up rambling on at length later in the day. However, before I got it typed up I became concerned that someone I spoke to after writing this might read this and take it as some sort of hint or as being directed toward him in some way so I have put off posting it. Now it is just driving me nuts and I have to get in on here so that it isn't sitting around on my desktop any more. This is only me thinking on paper and is not a hidden message of any kind.


The desire or need to go out to a big New Year's Eve celebration baffles me. As far as I am concerned, hanging out with loud, drunken strangers is something I try to avoid whenever possible. I'd much rather sit at home, alone, with a bottle of bubbly and some truffles. To ring it in by myself (hence, the long rambly blog!).

Nor, for that matter, do I get NY's resolutions. I will certainly try to be a better person starting tomorrow but then I shoot for that every year on June 12th as well. And, as one surely expects, sometimes I am successful and others I fail miserably. The latter happens far more often than I would like although I am able to delude myself into thinking that overall I am improving and that is what counts.

For a variety of reasons, I have very few people I am close to.
I need a great deal of time alone which is often misinterpreted.
I have little patience for fools.
I can be loud, goofy and make inappropriate comments.
I can just as easily be quiet, thoughtful, introspective and lost in another world.
And, oh my, can I be ornery.
I tend to push people away.
Sometimes consciously.
Even more often unconsciously.

I write all of this to warn/admit that I know no more about friendship than I do love.
Anything here is really just slightly tipsy ramblings while I finish my bottle and think.

I struggle with trying to understand people who are phony, particularly with their friends. Who put on masks and pretend to be something they clearly are not. I am not talking about being polite. Nor am I referring to the roles we play with family or work situations. I am thinking of people who deny themselves and the thing they (do/do not) like. People who in one setting will claim to be friends (friends, not acquaintances, pals, buddies, etc.) with another and then in another setting deny liking that person at all. If there is a person that you dislike enough to disrespect by badmouthing them to others, not close confidants but casual acquaintances, then why bother pretending to be a friend to their face? Hell, I have a hard enough time being friends with the people I do like. I would never waste my time and effort on someone I don't.

People talk to me. Even complete strangers will confide secrets to me within minutes of meeting. This often leaves me in an odd position. I will be sitting around chatting with a person I know and this individual will express concern about some other person/relationship that I barely know. However, I do have valuable information that could help but I cannot share. This leaves me feeling like an ass for not helping the one I know and like in order to respect the privacy of someone I barely know. Frustrating because I cannot help the person I want and also because it seems that the rare times I actually confide in someone else, I do not receive the same consideration for my privacy.

One of the things that I find fascinating is the types of things these people have burdening them. Especially when I do know their other person well and am positive that it would not be a problem if he/she knew of the secret. For example, I love that I know two secret cross-dressers. Both of whom are afraid that the other will learn of this. Part of me just wants to force them each to dress and then expose them to one another to get it over with. Personally I think it would be good for both but it is not my decision to make.

It interests me the number of closeted cross-dressers I know and saddens me that they feel they have to hide something they find so satisfying. Stupid societal norms! Although seeing someone cross-dress does nothing for me sexually, I do always enjoy when someone does simply because it confronts the taboo and demonstrates a great deal of confidence.

On the other hand, I hate it when I am in on a secret between two people. Particularly the aforementioned friend/non-friend type (or for that matter, lover/non-lover) I find it depressing to sit with someone who is struggling to improve a relationship when I know that there is no chance and it is already too late. Typically I then find myself in the position of having to give advice. Something I hate to do at any point but even more so when I cannot be fully honest.

I guess what I find especially disturbing is that I have heard of lot of this lately from several different people. If it were just one individual, I would simply put this two-faced crap down as someone who is a jerk and a user. Apparently, there are a lot more of them running around that I would like to think. Great. Although I suppose that does make me feel a bit better about my lack of people. Rather than have someone pretend to be my friend, I'd rather just know where I stand right off the bat.


Perhaps I just need to drink more/faster so I stop thinking I am being profound or coming up with anything useful.