Rising Up From The Ashes

A human being is part of a whole, called by us the Universe… He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separated from the rest -- a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us… Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circles of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.
-- Albert Einstein


So I found the above quote while studying (okay, messing around on the web) and it reminded me of that ass from Analytical Chem. I still cannot believe how hurt and irritated I am by him! Obviously he is either a prick or has some sort of issues going on that I don't know about since we don't really know each other but it still just pisses me off that he was a jerk about the whole thing. I really need to just forget about him and focus on my studies but it is not going as smoothly as I had hoped. I find myself wanting to hunt his ass down just so I can give him a piece of my mind--not that I can afford to lose any! I know it wouldn't really do anything productive but it would make me feel better. I try to understand that I don't really know what is going on at his end but really I just want to kick his sorry little ass. :-)

Obviously, the whole idea of compassion toward all is rather new to me and it is going to take a while to decide how well it fits.

You were betrayed. You were betrayed by someone very close to you in a past life and you have still never forgotten it. Either you were killed by a best friend or ratted out by one, but it still hurt you very deeply and you don't trust hardly anyone anymore.


How did you die in your past life? (for everyone)
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PAST LIFE? Fuck that! I can't even trust most of the people in my life this time time around.

People like you and I, though mortal of course like everyone else, do not grow old no matter how long we live...[We] never cease to stand like curious children before the great mystery into which we were born.
-Albert Einstein

I am so irritated it isn't even funny. I have an important group project I have to do for class this semester and next fall. I thought I was going to have a pretty decent group but it seems that I was WRONG!!!

The guy I was supposed to work with seemed like a nice guy and had some good ideas. I didn't really know him but was looking forward to getting to know him. He seemed smart which is a big plus - I have a hard time working with people who cannot think logically. He is also a 'non-traditional' student and is studying both chemistry and forensics. We were able to joke around easily and I thought I lucked out.

So anyway, I was looking forward to this project and thought this would be fun since it is in a subject I enjoy and was working with someone who seemed to be on the ball. NO! Apparently not - or if he is, it is a completely different ball... So the guy has not shown up to class all week long. I was not too worried about it early in the week since attendance is not required and we still are not really covering anything challenging.

Tuesday evening, the guy shot me a text message in the afternoon asking if I would help him with part of the Challenge Problem that was due the next day. I let him know that I was not busy and he could call me whenever. I didn't hear back from him and arround midnight shot him a quick message letting him know that I was going to bed; I figured he must have figured out whatever he had be struggling with earlier. He replied with a quick message letting me know that the due date had been pushed back to Friday so he quit working on it for a bit and was doing his other homework instead. That was the last I heard from him.

He never showed up for any of the classes all week. No biggie. But he also did not show up for lab nor did he come to our group meeting where we were going to finally decide on a topic for our research. No phone call, text message or anything. When he hadn't shown up for lab, I shot him a quick text thinking that maybe he fell back asleep but he never responded.

Not a peep later on Thursday or on Friday. By Friday afternoon, I was really starting to wonder. It seemed unlikely that this guy changed his entire life around to go back to school for this and all of a sudden, without warning, chose to drop out--especially since it is still early in the semester, it isn't like he is failing his classes and decided to give up. I decided to call him and see what was up. If he is quitting, I want to know so I can go ahead with the project on my own ortherwise, he needs to get his act together. His cell phone was "temporarily out of order." I don't know if that simply means that he is broke and hasn't paid or if his is dead. I have had seven deaths in my life just since Thanksgiving, including 2 suicides, so it starts to seem like a perfectly logical conclusion. I didn't necessarily think that he was dead but it did seem possible. (frankly, it makes more sense that just blowing off the education you always wanted!)

I ended up shooting e-mails to all three of his known addresses and ask him for some sort of response. I didn't care if he responded that I should fuck off and die, at least I don't need to wonder if he is rotting in his house somewhere (I have no clue if he has a significant other or not.) No response. Now I am the first to realize that this seems rather dramatic on my part - I can only blame it on all the other deaths I have experienced recently.

Anyway, again I hear nothing. Of course, by evening my imagination and all the gory pics of dead bodies start running away with me so I ended up looking up his work phone number online. He never gave it to me but I did know the name of the place he worked. I intended to call and see if he was in but managed to accidentally dial his cell phone number instead - this time it was working so I left him a phone message. I am sure by now I look like a damn stalker! I tried to explain myself in the message but am not sure that I did much besides ramble.

He still did not call back. Before I went to bed for the night I did end up calling his job. A nice woman answered and when I asked if Brent was there she said "yeah, he's down in the office" and transferred the phone. I just hung up while it was ringing. I didn't really need to talk to him just wanted to know that he was okay.

Anyway, the whole thing just really pisses me off and makes me sad at the same time. I am pissed that he blew our meeting off and could not have the common curtesy to let me know. I am also irritated that what was a good group now seems to be pretty much non-existant. I don't mind working by myself - often I am better at that - but I was looking forward to having someone smart to bounce ideas off of and to help me with the tricky stuff. I am even more angry that when he knew I was worried about his sorry ass he could not take 2 seconds to send a text telling me to leave him alone or whatever.

What really has me bummed is that I don't even know what the hell happened! I am not nearly so self-centered as to think that he is dropping out of class just because of me (okay, I guess I am self-centered enough to have at least brought it up but not seriously, I just have an active imagination...) but it seems that if he were quitting for some other reason - like he decided that he HATES chemistry - then he could have taken a minute to contact me when I first tried to reach him. I could understand if he is irritated that I contacted him numerous times but I did give him quite a bit of time between each method before trying something new. I did not just go on a blitz and send him a ton of phone, email and text messages all in the matter of an hour.

anyway, I guess I thought I was going to get to work with this new person on a cool project and maybe even become friends and instead it seems that I am on my own in both ways. Bummer.

New Alarm Clock

I would wake up so much more enthusiastically with one of these. Of course, I would have to fight the dog and cats for it but if I were fast I would be happy. :-)

class was canceled tonight. I am thrilled since I was up way too late last night working on my Analytical Chem project as well as studying for my OChem test. I want to get a head start of some of my studying but I am happily planning to make it an early night - which probably means I will end up staying up way too late again. As long as I get something productive done I will be ahead so no matter what it makes my day.

as I sit here painting my nails black for the week I think I have identified part of my problem.

I am too depressed to be punk and too angry to be goth.

what a pain!

You are the "you suck, and that's sad" happy bunny. You're truthful, but can be a bit brutal.

which happy bunny are you? brought to you by Quizilla

Even disregarding current politically correct thinking, there is a very good reason for normal, beer drinking, girl chasing, straight men not to hate gay men. Gay men tend to be good looking, sensitive men - and if they were out chasing women too, there wouldn't be any left for guys like you. ;-)

I am sitting here with a warm cup of tea since it was particularly cold out today. Really I am a coffee person though, the darker the better. How do people enjoy tea? I just seems like warm colored water to me - almost no flavor at all!

Once again I am having trouble getting anything productive done. I did get lots of homework done earlier today but I still have tons to do and little interest. By the time the weekend rolls around after working and school all week I am so ready to just goof off that I have a hard time getting inspired. I have a couple tests this week, including OChem, so I really need to get my ass in gear especially since I am meeting a friend for dim sum tomorrow morning and will not be studying then either...

oh, and I seem to be wasting an inordinate amount of time checking all of my e-mails accounts. I am hoping to hear from a friend of mine so I keep hopping from acount to acount to acount because I am not sure when or where he will write. Pathetic!

Ya gotta love Calvin & Hobbes!  

clearly, I should be doing homework but instead am guiltily procrastinating on the web. I found this fun little thing that I thought I would share in case you too are avoiding something that you should be doing right now. No thanks necessary!

Become a Republican!

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be. ~Douglas Adams

Boy do I hope this is true! I often feel like I am way behind where I had wanted to be by this point in my life. I am going to school and loving it but it bums me out sometimes when I realize that all of the kids that I am studying with are going to be so much further along in their lives by the time they are in their 30's than I am... I keep trying to remind myself that it is because I got to spend years traveling and doing other things that they are missing out on but it is still hard to remain motivated some days.

so yesterday I was bored and perusing the blog of one of my classmates. In it, he mentioned that he is a Libra so I decided to look up what the tendencies were for Libras. I figured he must have thought it fit him reasonably well if he bothered to mention it. Here is what they had to say about me. Notice how the positives don't even fill an entire line but the negatives go on and on.

Scorpio
October 21 - November 20
Water - Fixed - Mars

Positive Traits: Passionate, magnetic, forceful, penetrating, determined, courageous.

Negative Traits: Cynical, resentful, sarcastic, jealous, vindictive, suspicious, vengeful, destructive. Scorpios are not easy to get to know. Very secretive, vindictive and jealous people. Great stubbornness and strong passions. Scorpio is the lone wolf. Keeps emotions well hidden inside, where they have tremendous strength and power. Have power to heal others. . Need to learn to be cooperative and outgoing. Very spiritual. Looks for the meaning of life through sex. Usually the unwanted child of the Zodiac. Always looking for a mother - their mother was never mother enough. Always feels unwanted , mother did not give love easily. Never forgets when things are done to them. They become more secretive when parents put them down. Problems expressing themselves because they have so much anger inside. Very hard to get close to, but once you do, you always have a friend. If you hurt them you'll never be friends again. Change does not come easily. .Wants to do everything perfectly. Possessive and jealous. Very psychic. The Scorpio female is intensively feminine, which draws men to them. It also creates a problem with female friends.