Rising Up From The Ashes

Slept 17+ hours yesterday. Missed my entire day off and wanted to get stuff done around the house butbut must have needed it. Been going out far too much lately. Need to cut back and spend more time at home. When it comes right down to it I don’t like to be that social and would much rather spend time snuggled up with someone special. Relaxing, reading and reflecting are more my thing.

I will read anything. I am always in the middle of several books at any given time. Currently, two that I am reading are “Fingerprints of God” and “God is NOT Great.” Those of you who think you know me are probably surprised by at least one of those. Those who really do would expect nothing less.

I am a huge fan of Robert Anton Wilson and one of the exercises he would encourage people to do was to find some belief system you are adamantly opposed to and immerse yourself in it. Read about it. Listen to its adherents and prophets. Really get a feel for it and understand it. Know what it is to be one of them. Once you do, go ahead and move onto another belief system. Do the same thing. When it comes right down to it, there really isn’t any difference between them and the people who practice and believe in each. Instead, most people go through their lives only listening to and reading things that support the beliefs they already hold. Ones that confirm what they already think. Completely ignoring everything else. How can they learn and grow that way? Only staying stuck. “See, I told you. All Blacks/women/Jews are…” While conveniently convincing themselves that all the evidence supports them and that anything else is a myth, superstition, bold faced lie, etc. Rather than considering that they may be wrong and there is something new to learn, they hold fast to their ignorance. It is an exercise that I have enjoyed time and time again. The few who really know me have been shocked at some of the things I have tried because they go against some of my primary principles. Nevertheless, I gave them a shot.

As much as I adore books, there is one type that I do have a difficult time with. That challenge me each time I open the pages. I continue to do so for the lessons that are in it – the self-observation, not the actual book – and that is the majority of self-help books. Don’t get me wrong, I think some are great and I am a big fan of the Stephen Covey books in particular but so many of them seem to espouse the idea of “you are not okay but if you do what I tell you everything will be fine.” Religion without the spirituality. A new guru for you to follow blindly without self-reflection. A tome to take people who were already suffering low self-esteem and convince them that they deserved that poor image but if they follow in this person’s footsteps they can be saved. Salvation in 30 days/$50/250 pages/12 easy steps. What a relief!

Never mind that the person does not actually reflect or improve him/herself. Doesn’t matter that all they have done is learned a new mask to put over the same rotten core. Don’t really want to help this person identify and strengthen their values. After all, then they won’t buy your next $30 book when it comes out. Teach them the new and improved way to manipulate the system and others into phony superficial relationships. Learn these tricks and techniques to impress your future boss, win friends, and wow the hotties at the bar. Okay for the moment but then what? You have to try keep up the facade but eventually they see the real you and now they are ticked off or disappointed that you were fake up front. That you deceived them. Either way, your self-esteem suffers even more. The authors and publishers are fine with that. More money for them. Like diet books, the reader would rather buy the next false promise, hope in a book/CD/forum, than to do the work necessary to succeed and improve. Fooling themselves into believing there is some quick fix that will do the work for them rather than confronting the truth. Popping a pill or memorizing a line is much easier than accepting and improving oneself. Besides, this way you can blame the author when you fail again. It isn’t because you are selfish. Has nothing to do with your flaws. You just haven’t learned the right way to work the system. The short-cut or secret will be revealed in the next book. The miraculous way to fool people into liking you.

As my special someone and I have discussed several times, true esteem comes from within. It has nothing to do with the cuteness of the girl you are dating, how many parties you get invited to or the number of contacts in your cell phone. The best one can hope for externally is to find someone who knows your flaws and accepts and cares for you anyway. Someone you can be real and honest with. A person who has seen you for the selfish bastard/bitch you are at your core and somehow manages to like you anyway. That person can be helpful on the days when your insecurities rise up but it cannot sustain you for long. Few people have that kind of trust in another.

One of the things I have observed time and time again that always fascinates me is the value most people place on their ‘loved ones’ compared to complete strangers. People will change for a complete stranger who doesn’t like them but cling stubbornly to bad habits if and when someone they care about expresses disapproval. Have someone that you know cares about you point out a flaw, no matter how gently. “Oh yeah! Well you knew about that when we met.” “Too bad! Love me or leave me.” “This is who I am. If you loved me you would accept that.” “Fuck off! You’re not perfect either. You…” and lash out at them. Starting a battle. And we stubborn hang on to it, no matter how right the other person is. “I’ll be damned if he/she is going to change me!!!”

But let a complete stranger point a flaw out or dismiss us for some reason, even if it is unknown or unrealistic. Next thing you know the person is bending over backward to impress this fucker who couldn’t care less about them. As if somehow the new you is going to change their mind instead of making you seem desperate or phony. “Look at me!! I have money/status/this good-looking person paying attention to me…” “See. I’m cool!” Who cares?!? If they are impressed, they are just a superficial ass and not worth the effort. If not, you only look pathetic and lose any interest they may have had in you. Either way you have gained nothing.

Why is that? Why does the stranger’s opinion matter more to most people? A quest for popularity? We already have the attention of X but want to add Y to the queue? I don’t get it. I would much rather use my time and effort on myself and the people who mean something to me. Admittedly though, my ego is huge. Much, much larger than it ought to be considering my many flaws. My esteem comes from within and being better today than I was yesterday rather than from the admiration of others. I don’t give my power away to strangers. Sure, the people I care about can, and often do, hurt me but I’ll be damned if I let someone who doesn’t even know me do so.

There are plenty people who don’t like me because of various superficial reasons. I am okay with that and have even gone out of my way to cultivate it with funny colored hair/unusual makeup/piercings/silly behaviors/bold obnoxious statements. “I would rather be hated for who I am than loved for something I am not,” is a common MySpazz cliché but it is true for me. I spend far more time thinking about the people who like me for the wrong reasons than all the people who dislike me. I would rather have one or two people around who like me for me than a bunch of people interested in the image. If you are the sort of person who is going to dislike me because of the clothes that I wear, the person I date or the music I listen to, I would rather find out now rather than thinking you are my friend and then learning you are not when I really need you. Fuck that! I have no use for phonies, fakes, users and superficial crap. Which is not to say that I have not enjoyed showing off a partner, wearing a smashing new pair of boots or sporting a new hair style, of course I do! But I don’t let those things define me or my status. I am just as likely to go out alone or with someone goofy looking, wear ratty old canvas sneakers, no makeup and my hair in a ponytail. Either way, I am awesome! And whether you know it or not, you are too.