Rising Up From The Ashes

Got into a rather lengthy discussion with one of my buddies at work yesterday. He has been struggling with the concepts of D/s and could not figure out why some guy would want to let me boss him around or tell him what to do and how to do it. (I love a friend who will be honest about their opinion of me!)

Ha! I am not really the sort who bosses other people around. For the most part, I simply let people know what I want and like – it is up to them to decide if their wish to contribute and make my life easier or not. I am not going to 'make' people do things. I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I see so many women who run around calling themselves Dommes who really seem to just be incompetent little twits who need someone to take care of them because they don't have the intelligence or skills to take care of themselves. Numerous men fall for it because they are young and pretty (as Her Evilness says on her page, "Men who treat women as helpless and charming playthings deserve women who treat men as delightful and generous bank accounts.") I'm not like that. I am a competent, capable, giving person who knows a lot and is always learning more. Sure, I enjoy and appreciate having a companion but I don't need it.

I make corrections rarely and only if I think it is necessary. Not because I want to be bossy, I am a pretty laid back person who would much rather be silly and goof off than demand someone do something. I do it if, and only if, I care enough about you to want you to remain around. Most people are simply dismissed and excluded from my life as not being worth the effort. I don't ask for much. If someone can't be bothered to give that little bit to me then they apparently don't care much about me. I pointed out to my friend a number of struggles with the ex and how I finally quit struggling and gave up – and how the ex is now the ex. Yeah, I like having someone I can talk to about my day, to whisper with at get-togethers and to snuggle with at night but I am perfectly comfortable by myself as well and I'll be damned if I would put up with the game playing and lies.

I tried pointing out ways in which he and his wife were often challenging one another for control in their relationship (his hair color, where to go on vacation, tickets to the game vs. new purse) and explained that rather than play games and constantly struggle to try to get ahead in the relationship that I would rather be more open and upfront about it. Skip the partners' withholding of sex and affection. The blowing of the budget because someone snuck out and bought a $200 pair of sunglasses or whatever.

I am not sure if he ever got it. I do suspect his wife is going to like me even less now as they will probably have more arguments in the next couple days as he thinks about what I said further.

I hate playing games in a relationship. Do not want to think of it as a battle where we are on opposite sides – I get enough of that from the rest of the world. I want a partner and an equal. I'd much rather just let someone know what I want and he can decide whether or not he thinks it is worth it. So far, general consensus has it that I am not. That's alright. Still beats deceit and actually sleeping with the enemy. This way I can stretch my legs and sleep in the middle of the bed.

There is really only one thing I ask from my partner, his heart. The whole thing. Not bits and pieces. Not the parts that are safe. I want it all. I want you to trust me with every last bit. It seems only fair since I am willing to give all of mine. Now I will admit, that it may not be a fair trade for mine has been crushed, beaten and battered many times. It is held together with tape, glue, wire and crusted over scabs. But I am willing to toss in a soul and the ability to move mountains when need be so it all evens out in the end I think.

I work hard

I play hard

And yes, when I crash, I crash hard.

Then I slowly drag myself out of the depression and start all over again.


I guess what I don't understand are the people who insist on coaxing me into relationships I never wanted just so they can break my heart.


I know what I want

I know what I need

I know it's not easy

But I do believe that in the long run it's worth it.

Who knows? Maybe I'm just fooling myself. Making excuses for my own self-centeredness so I don't have to change. I am willing to change and know there are plenty improvements I can make but it does seem like I should be able to find someone who can accept me for me. (Perhaps I just watched far too many romantic comedies when I was young!) Trying to be anything else just seems phony. Why start a relationship behind a facade I cannot maintain?

So, I come home to my dog, who is happy to see me at the end of the day.

And I sleep with the cats I can reach out and touch in the middle of the night when my dreams wake me.

And I remind myself that it is enough.

That I am strong and this is better than living a lie.